


Hats Off to Taako

by DaniMotherFreakingGlitter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Major character death but he's okay tho, Other, Roleswap, more tazswitch because I'm weak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 16:49:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11948469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniMotherFreakingGlitter/pseuds/DaniMotherFreakingGlitter
Summary: A collection of Taako's experience as a hat.





	Hats Off to Taako

A rhinoceros, running toward an elven woman because she just had to make a crappy hand pun, was the result of the hat falling on the ground. The hat was nothing special at first glance; something you would see on a wizard stereotype, large and floppy and covered in accessories. The appearance wasn’t what made it special to Lup, and she hadn’t known exactly why she liked the hat so much because honestly the thing was _horrendous_ , but because of what transpired about ten minutes ago made her know. It was all she had left of Taako, her brother, her heart. And then she realized, Taako was there. Not anything stupid like ‘in spirit’ or whatever but _there_. In the hat, because she remembered Taako explaining how the hat could basically vore magic. She made a quip back then, and it was so fucking stupid to think about now but she didn’t care. She had the hat in her hands in half a second, and with all the strength she could muster, she ripped the hat into two.

_It’s like a bomb goes off in her hands. And honestly, that sounds fucking sick._

A sonic boom, a wave of force tears through the room, sending Lup flying backwards as time slows down, and a wave of memories flashes through everyone’s minds.

_A hillside, covered in snow, and an elven man wrapped in a warm cloak, a thermos in his hands as he watches everything in the village down below instantly turn into red and white stripes. He sighs, closes his thermos, and stands to go retrieve the cause of the shift. He pulls the doorknob of a house off and bites it. He immediately spits it out because he hates peppermint. He turns a corner, and standing in an alley is a peppermint statue of a little girl dressed in rags. A normal looking grey stone is in her hand, the only thing unaffected by the transmutation of the village. Taako takes it out of her hands, and walks away, not wasting a moment. This was the last time anything like this would happen on his watch._

_Several days later, Darcy Davenport, a relative of Davenport’s, is leading Taako through Wave Echo Cave. The family had won the entire mining cave in a game of poker from the Rockseekers, but Cyrus had neglected to tell them the mine was dormant due to constant marauders attacking. There was, however, a vault inside the cave, which is where Taako plans to hide the Philosopher’s Stone. Sadly, Taako forgot the fact that just because Davenport couldn’t be overtaken by a relic’s thrall, that didn’t mean that his relative couldn’t. As the vault door swung open, Taako felt the slash of a dagger being dragged across his back as Darcy took the Stone from his hands._

_As quick as he could, Taako grabbed his wand and cast Mage hand, pushing Darcy into the vault and closing the door. He then fell to the ground as he realized he was dying, and if this was the last cycle, he wasn’t coming back as anything other than a lich. He had broken his promise to Krav, to Lup… He felt terrible, and that wasn’t just the poison. “Frikkin’ idiot wizard…” he said to himself, moving to lean against the wall of the cave. As his lich form left his body, he suddenly understood the gravitas of the fact that his hat was enchanted to absorb magic. Taako watched as his hat jumped into the air of its’ own accord and began to pull him inside against his struggles. When his senses return, he is in an empty room, a chamber lined with deep purple curtains. And he fought for consciousness in that place for years. His senses returned to him one by one: sight then feeling and then hearing, and after enough time he found he could see and hear and feel what was going on outside the hat as well. It was odd, knowing you were resting on top of your own skull, waiting for something, anything to happen._

_As luck would have it, the thing that happened was his_ sister. _Ten years later, he could hear Lup,_ _Julia and Davenport, and they were getting closer to him. “Holy FUCK y’all check out that stupid ass hat over there.” he hears Lup say ecstatically, pointing towards him. He would’ve laughed at her, but she should’ve known that this was Taako’s hat, that these bones were Taako’s. The others didn’t look like they knew who Taako was either. “L-let me check it out Lup. I don’t want you_ _getting hurt if it’s cursed or something.” Davenport said, walking up to Taako and touching the hat. In a fit of anger Taako sends_ _a jolt of force and sends his captain flying. He didn’t_ want _Davenport to touch it. He wanted_ Lup _to take the hat. And luckily her dumb ass wanted to try her hand at taking the hat too so he got his wish. “Hell yeah Lup, live like you’re dyin’!” Taako yelled, the first time he’s said_ _anything aside from a frustrated shout in years. Apparently that causes bolts of lightning to shoot from the hat as Lup_ _picks it up from Taako’s bones, which, along with his IPRE robe, turn to dust the moment the hat is gone. And Delilah, Davenport’s cousin, began talking a mile a minute about how weird everything about...everything is._

_Taako screamed to try to signal Lup. He needed her to know where he was, that he was okay. When he came to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to happen, he moved on to meditating, channeling energy into a spell, any spell that would help his sister on her journeys. He felt her panic during her Bureau of Balance Initiation, and it was just like John to make them fight fucking trolls to initiate them. When the hat consumed the Arcane Core of Ren’s battlewagon, Taako felt amazing. He decided to make a light show he knew Lup would enjoy, casting the most powerful fireball he ever could. The hat flew off of Lup’s head and angled itself so it was pointing at the army of sentient root beer barrels. Taako knew it was weird but Taako didn’t question the girl wearing Davenport’s relic, Cassidy seemed like a nice gal, as did that Ren girl. He hoped nothing bad happened to them after all this._

_Shit._

_After the Goldcliff conundrum, Taako went back to saving his energy, up until Lup’s first date with Barry Bluejeans, the literal grim reaper. And he was talking about how he sensed a lich nearby. And Taako panicked. There were only two liches that would hang around the BoB: himself and Kravitz, so out of fear and rushed reason, Taako tried to kill the blue boy. Good timing, sis._

_Taako paced around the empty chamber, seething mad at the fact he wasn’t outside helping his sister get through the hell that is World of Hellevators, run by an insane lich ex-scientist named Lucas Miller. He could hear the sound of a battle raging outside, and it burned that he wasn’t fighting it. Suddenly, the sounds outside stopped, and Lucas Miller fell into the chamber. He rushes to his feet, glaring at Taako. Taako, in reply, puts a hand on his hip and smirks. “Wh-what’s all this then? Who are you?! Where are we?” Lucas demanded, but Taako didn’t answer. “Are you the one who was hurting my sister?” Taako asked, stepping forward and giving Lucas a quick punch to the gut, causing the nerd to fall to his knees. Taako looked down at him with a dark smile. “Abra CaFuckYou, Nerdlord.” And Taako cast Magic Missile at him._

 

A deep purple hat lay on the ground in two pieces. And from the two pieces, smoke began to pour and it rose towards the large pillar of snowflake obsidian-like material from where the enemies were forming. Once the smoke reached the pillar, it climbed upwards and then the pillar was no longer snowflake obsidian but a cylindrical pile of dust that held for only a moment before collapsing and then getting swept away in the wind. And when the dust, both metaphorical and literal, had settled, Lup saw the shape of an elven man standing before her. It was the shape of Taako, her brother, here with her at last, the only difference was that he was made of stars. When he turned around, Lup could see three breaks in the living galaxy, two glowing white eyes and a mouth. He looked around at everyone in the room, smiled, and spoke where people would hear him for the first time in ten years. He threw his arms wide just before shouting,

 

“TAAKO GETS THE GOLD!”


End file.
